Women Are Told Not To Mind Their Pretty Little Heads

…by all those complex and terrifying gizmos in the job market. Women, one of the more popular genders of human, have long been mooted by researchers as “likely to get into a bit of a flap” over anything more complicated than an iron or simple washing machine. Indeed, recent research by the Department of Trade and Industry has indicated that women just aren’t designed to do anything more strenuous than prepare a lovely supper for their husband when he returns from work.

“Oh yes,” Professor Scott Hammer, chief researcher from the DTI said, “Our research indicates that women are just incapable of dealing with the technological advances that occur so rapidly in the workplace. It’s not their fault, bless them, but it’s just the way they’re designed.”

The research Professor Hammer and his department released show a clear difference in the ability of men and women to grasp certain aspects of work. Whereas men think solely of work, and whatever comes with it, save for a few quiet moments of contemplation about a comfortable armchair, women are unable to devote that much brain power to a single idea, preferring to flit between thoughts of nice curtains, fluffy objects, shades of pink and Tupperware. This leaves very little space for the female brain to perform vital tasks in the workplace.


The male brain - very work orientated


The female brain - note the key differences

“It’s simple really,” Professor Hammer explains, “give a man a big drill and he knows what to do with it. He looks at the drill and says ‘I am a man. This is my weapon. I am going to drill a big hole in something’. Give that drill to a woman and she’ll probably drop it. And then complain. Women are like a hamster with a wooden nipple. Completely useless”.

As expected, the Association for the Restriction of Sexual Equality (A.R.S.E.) have stood up behind the research. The chairman of the Association, huge, bearded Lord Darcy Leverhulme thundered “It’s about bloody time” before slapping his serving girl on the behind and calling for another brandy.

The League of Equality between Gender and Sexes (L.E.G.S.) chairwoman, Claire Nutsmasher, is outraged by this revelation from the DTI. “I can’t believe it! We don’t live in the dark ages. Women are just as capable as men are, and even more so, in many situations. I’d like to see that wanker Leverhulme force a thirteen pound baby out of a bodily orifice and come up smiling."

But what of the man in the street? Does the average male like A.R.S.E.? Or is he a L.E.G.S. man? Chartered accountant Wilfred Chucklepickett claimed “I tend to swing both ways.”


A street with a man in it, much like the street in which the man was asked.

So, after extensive research, the battle between the sexes looks set for yet another round. Man may have won this time, but will Jane Lady manage to get a smart uppercut in on John Gentleman, or will he simply punch her into next week? One thing is for sure, whatever happens, those jam-jars will still need to be opened.