Smoking The Cause Of Everything

…experts in the United Kingdom claim. Dr. Chris Peacock, from the University of Aberystwyth, Wales, claims that new research into the evils of smoking “have revealed that smoking is the cause of more than just cancer”. At a recent press conference, Dr. Peacock declared, “Everybody knows the more common dangers of smoking, such as cancer, failed pregnancies, lowered sperm count, osteoarthritis, Oedipus complex, clubfoot and swollen balls. However, our recent research has linked smoking the a lot more than that”.

When asked what else could be cause by smoking, Dr. Peacock simply shrugged, “Pretty much everything, I guess.”


Research has linked smoking to natural disasters.

“For example,” Dr. Dicken Hairs, assistant to Dr. Peacock explained, “smoking has recently been linked to AMD blindness. Most people associate blindness with masturbation, not smoking, but we’re out to change that.”

Dr. Peacock continued, “Yes. We want people to realise just what smoking can do to you, and how to give up. Research indicates that smokers give up smoking when they feel the first signs of an unwanted after effect, like death. We wanted to get the message across that whilst death is the most effective way of giving up smoking; it’s a bit permanent for some people’s tastes.”

The University’s research indicates that smokers to tend to give up smoking when they have experienced a fairly large side effect. Mike Thrimble of Oldham gave up smoking when he first contracted AMD Blindness. When asked why he gave up then, he said “Well, I couldn’t find my fags any more”.


This old gent has been smoking for seventy years. And now he is ninety, just another side effect of smoking.

The University’s research is winning friends and supporters across the country. Felicity Walmer-Bucks, a sixteen year old Catholic from Brechin City said “I thought God hated me and made me feel guilty because I touched myself at night. Now I know it’s because I’ve thought about smoking. It’s a real weight off my mind.”

The University of Aberystwyth’s research is having unwanted effects, however. After hearing that smoking might cause the onset of puberty, fifteen year old David Patehands, a lifelong non-smoker said “It [smoking] might just be the case. I’ve never touched a cigarette and still don’t have hair on my balls. I guess I’d better start smoking if I want to get girls!”

Not everyone has been convinced by the University’s latest research. Frank Gibbon, a director of Imperial Tobacco thinks the research is a load of baloney. “I think it’s a load of baloney,” he said at a recent press conference. “The only think smoking gives you is a growth of coolness, not a growth on your left testicle. Nor does it give you pink eye, a decrease in footballing knowledge or make you appreciate the music of Celine Dion. Tobacco does none of those things.”