Murder Legalised In The UK?

No. But British Laws are in upheaval as leaders debate modernizing the justice system. The old system of laws, which had been in place since the seventeenth century, had been criticized for being archaic and out-of-place. Currently one can suffer the death penalty or worse for any number of crimes, including impersonating a Chelsea Pensioner, fondling ducks in Regent’s Park and gruesomely murdering prostitutes.

It has been deemed the Justice system’s method for grading and punishing murder are due an overhaul, as punishments under the old model are many and varied:

• Hanged by the neck until dead - if the victim was a wealthy landowner.
  
  
• Hanged by the neck until annoyed - if the victim was a pleb.
  
  
• Fennocked and Glossopped - whereby the guilty party’s hands would be cut off and then he would be sent to join a disciplined Tennis school – if the murder victim was a small boy under seven years of age and not over five stone in weight or an old lady with seven or more woollen hats.
  
  
• Scroped - whereby the guilty party is buried up to the head in sand and is forced to watch the RSC’s critically slated performance of Shakespeare’s ‘The Tempest’, which was ‘flaccid, uninspiring, overlong and wracked with errors’ – if the murder victim was related to King Charles I, King Charles II or their hunting dogs.
  
  
• Pithyman Hamothsmeared – whereby the guilty party’s mother is told and sent to deal with him – if the murder victim was called William and enjoyed playing with ducks as a child.
  
  
• Spoondecked – whereby the guilty party would be made to go up to Henry ‘Skullsmasher’ McTaverty,the pre-eminent bareknuckled boxer of England, and call him a ‘lowly swine, fit nought for the use of a wimmin’s blouse’ – if the murder victim was devoid of at least three of his five senses or had all his Grandparents still alive.
  
  
• Fletching The Scrutter – whereby the guilty party’s thumbs are nailed to his thighs and his feet are forced into buckets and several small children surround him, raining punches and kicks down on his helpless frame – if the murder victim pulls through and lives a long and happy life.
  
  

Though some of the old punishments have fallen into disuse, many still continue, the last being deployed when Rhys Ewan Evan Effans from Wales was Peggeted in 2003 for the accidental death of a Scottish widow called Susan, whom he backed over in the west side of Arbroath in a Red Triumph Spitfire.

“When Mr Effans reversed over Susan, the laws dictated that he be Peggeted for his crime,” said Superintendant Jim Organs of the Highland Police. “But there's no question the laws should be updated. I remember the chaos in 1992, when Mr. James was given the punishment of Flaying The Spulgen for his murder of a twelve year old asthmatic girl with a birthmark in the shape of a decahedron on her left shin. It turned out later that as the birthmark was on the shin, he should have been subjected to a series of Ruttocked Mervins. It was hell of a job sorting that out, not least because after his Ruttocking, Mr. James was unable to even attempt Flaying the Spulgen.”