Cloaks: IN
A smashing cloak.
Cloaks, favoured almost exclusively by goths and wizards, went out of fashion after King Edward VII spotted a palace functionary wearing a cloak in Buckingham Palace gardens during the bitter winter of 1905, and guffawed that the functionary 'looked like a total arse' and that 'no real man' would 'ever' wear a 'cloak' against the 'cold' because 'you look like an arse' in a cloak. Ironically, that winter, King Edward VII contracted hypothermia, a condition the royal Doctor, Lord Peter Cholmondesley-Haughstone, claimed would have been avoided 'had the Monarch donned a fetching cloak'.
This year, however, should see the cloak making a sterling comeback.
Socks: OUT
Socks. Not unlike those your grandmother might buy you.
Socks, unspurprisingly, remain well and truly OUT in 2006, as thay have done for the greater part of fifty years. Socks, the most hated of all undergarments, remain rooted in the public mind, forever blighted with the ignoble stigma of causing an unpleasant odour when a piece of sweaty footwear is removed. Especially when removed in the house of a lady. That lady will not be impressed with the loathesome sock, and many top fashion designers advise that the chances of sex will be greatly improved if the sock is totally ignored and a substitute is employed instead, such as the sleeve of a jumper, a very small pair of trousers ripped in twaine, or maybe you could even jam your feet into two willing and able bunny rabbits - which has the added 'cute' factor that is all the rage!
Comedy socks, of all shapes and sizes, are also OUT in 2006. And will forever remain so, if I have my way.
Jockstraps: OUT
A man in a revealing jockstrap.
Jockstraps swung back and forth, but I can suggest that they are pretty much OUT in 2006, except in suitable company, such as a company exclusively consisting of men with questionable bathtime habits after a sporting contest.
Trousers: IN
A woman in trousers! Now I've seen everything!
Trousers, trousers, trousers. When aren't they ever so IN that they're practically copulating? We all remember the crazy days of the nineteen eighties when legwarmers and embarrasingly short shorts made a break for stardom, but ultimately, the sensible trouser ruled supreme. Notable trouser wearers over the last century have included, but are not limited to, Hollywood Star Steven Seagal, Four Minute Mile Man Roger Bannister, German Overlord Kaiser Wilhelm II, and Famed Director Alfred Hitchcock. Yes, trousers are here to stay.
'Kerchief in the top pocket: OUT
Sophisticated, yet deadly.
The 'kerchief was always traditionally the final ingredient any young cad heading about town would add to his splendid attire. The 'kerchief says 'Hey! I'm a man-about-town! A bounder! A knave! And absolute rotter! And I know all the best joints in this city, and, what's more, I'm probably some toff who's about to slum with a prostitute and die horribly of syphillis thirty years later!' Yes, they might look handsome and sophisticated, but the wearer is more likely to head off and roger your daughter than participate in any stimulating chat involving stockbroking and the Racing Post.
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