“I noticed China looking a bit suspicious as it approached check-in”. Assia Nwankwo, a customs officer at Harare International said, “It had a shifty look in it’s eyes, and it was sweating somewhat profusely as it approached the metal detecting machines. Of course, I asked for it to put it’s luggage on the table, for me to inspect, and I was very surprised by the contents.”
Due to legal reasons, China cannot be shown and has been replaced by a man.
Reports released by the airport customs officials reveal that China was carrying a suitcase with a secret apartment built into the bottom of the case, “in which was a large variety of African wildlife, including springboks and a black rhinoceros”, the zoo value of which was in excess of $3,000,000, if pure-bred.
China was immediately arrested and taken into Airport custody, where animal welfare officers interrogated it for sixteen hours. Chief Animal Welfare Officer Edward Maartins, present during the interrogation, later released the following statement.
“After intensive questioning, China admitted to animal smuggling activities over the last few years. It appears we are on the verge of cracking an international animal smuggling ring, in which China has smuggled class-one endangered animals out of Zimbabwe with a zoological value of around $40,000,000.”
“Well,” Maartins said to News Skim in an exclusive interview, “it’s sad, you know? These countries often come from a good upbringing, but are just looking for a cheap thrill, to get some easy beer money. They’re lured into this sordid business by other, bigger countries - pier pressure, really. They see these first world countries doing it and they just want to be cool, to fit in. It’s a great shame.” When asked what normally happened to the countries involved, Maartins replied, “oh, we normally call Kofi Annan and let him deal with it. He’ll probably just ground them from the next Olympic Games, and maybe even the World Cup if he really wants to teach young China a lesson. But, the thing to remember is, we were all young and silly once.”
Chinas arrest, however, had opened up the world of International Animal Running. From this simple arrest in Harare, a web of countries involved in this vile trade has been exposed, mainly developed countries who routinely use third world nations as their runners, or ‘smugglebunnies’ as they’re known in this sick trade. However, the process of revealing these countries has been painfully slow.
“We don’t want to arrest the smugglebunnies, because that’ll alert the big shots,” Sandy Vadge of Interpol states, “and if we alert them, they’ll be off quicker than a mother with a baby full of halibut. No, we need to bypass the lower ranks and catch the big boys by the short ‘n’ curlies”. When asked what progress has been made, Vadge replied, “Well, we had suspected some of the bigger European nations, but when we got to Europe, a little boy told us everyone was out and to try later, then we noticed Great Britain, Germany and Austria all trying to sneak out past the Faroes. We cornered them, but they claimed they were 'popping out for a smoke'. We had no evidence, so we had to let them go."
The noose is ever tightening around these shady big shots, and they know their time is up. The question is, how many more defenceless fluffy animals will they mercilessly smuggle before this mess is all over? One? Seven? Fifty-four? Who knows, but at least for now, someone cares.
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