IRA No Longer Armed, Armed IRA Member Claims

DUP leader Ian Paisley has blasted recent reports from the terrorist organisation, the Irish Republican Army (IRA) which claim that they have 'completely disarmed' and that there 'are no guns here at all, nope, not a sausage. Just novelty cigarette lighters'.





The IRA's novelty cigarette lighter range.

The IRA were ordered to decommission last September and hand all weaponry into specialist centres, and the Independent Monitoring Commission (IMC), a neutral body investigating Mr. Paisley's claims, have discounted his suspicions, saying that their study revealed that whilst an uncommon amount of men have been wearing balaclavas and holding objects which were 'a little gun-shaped', they couldn't have been IRA terrorists. When asked how they can be certain if these men weren't members of the IRA, General de Chastelain, head of the IMC claimed that the majority of men were 'drunk and fighting and rowdy and who's ever seen Irishmen behave like that?'


The IMC couldn't link the evidence.

Skim confronted alleged IRA member and Riverdance performer Michael Flatley about Ian Paisley's claims. 'Guns, you say? Oh no, nothing like that here. Perhaps it was a typo? We do have a small herd of Gnus by Kilkenny, but that's it I'm afraid'. Skim then presented Michael Flatley with a list of suspected weaponry under control of the IRA. 'No, these aren't weapons. They're nicknames! Yes, nicknames our members have given their penises. Irishmen name their genitalia after weaponry all the time. See, Connor Colin Collins named his '43 automatic pistols', Seamus Flagarty 'sixty high powered assault rifles'. It's all quite innocent - just a bit of banter going on between friends, though I can see why there might be some confusion!'' Added Flatley; 'I've named mine my 26lbs of semtex!'


Paddy o'Mothersborn's anti-tank penis.

Skim visited an IRA defect Damian Riley, to see if he could shed further light on this matter. For the interest of security and to protect Damian's secrecy, in the following interview all fonts have been changed.

'This seems to be most irregular. I mean, in my day, it was common practice to name your penis after prominent African-Americans. I called mine James Brown. Richard McIlkenny, one of the Birmingham Six called his Tina Turner, though during his time in prison, I believe he renamed it Kareem Abdul-Jabaar, for fear of bullying. He changed it back when he was released. I guess the IRA might have changed their policies recently.'

Skim then questioned Damian about the possible links between Sinn Fein leader Gerry Adams and the suspected breaking of the disarmament policy of September 2005.

'Well, some lads always thought Gerry was great, especially when he named his penis Rosa Parks. Some of us though, thought he might be leading us down the wrong path. Our feelings increased when he renamed his penis 'The Underground Railway'. We thought that was too much.'


The inspiration for Damian Riley's penis.

Gerry Adams, leader of the legitimate political party 'Sinn Fein' called for an end to the bickering over IRA arms. 'Let's stop arguing about who's shooting who and who's waving what sub-machine gun around on Belfast streets under who's nose' Adams stated at a press conference. 'Because, at the end of the day, guns don't kill people, Catholics and the oppression of British rule in Northern Ireland do'.

One of Gerry Adams' assistants then leaned across and whispered into his ear. Adams was heard to mumble "but it's called 'I Have A Dream'" before turning back to the podium and announcing 'and my penis is called 'Suspected Secret Stashes Of Weaponry Across The Western Border Of Northern Ireland'".

We Didn't See Any Giant Space Otters, Chinese Astronauts Claim

Two chinese astronauts returned safely to earth, after a five day space adventure, in which absolutely nothing exciting happened.

Astronauts Fei Junlong and Nie Haisheng came back from a five-day flight exhausted, happy, yet slightly let down that nothing memorable happened on their journey. The Chinese press gathered excitedly around the Mongolian landing sight, and peppered the astronauts with questions about the seven-limbed space goddesses that they didn't see.


Fei Junlong seated in the unexciting cockpit of the Chinese Spacecraft Shenzhou VI. Not pictured: Absolutely nothing of interest.

Soon after the astronauts touched down, Tang Xianming, director of China's Space Agency, called a press conference. "Everything went okay. Nothing went wrong. No computer went awry, no fuel leaked, no programmer left out a decimal point. There were no explosions, there was no risk, nor was there any excitement as the spacecraft re-entered the earth's atmosphere".

At this point, Nie Haisheng leant towards the microphones. The world's press held their breath. "Actually", Haisheng said, "the Spacecraft was a little bumpy on re-entry, but after a quick check of the instruments, it turned out that everything was fine. I think this is normal". When asked if it was true that he and Fei Junlong definitely did not see any Flaming Astro-Donkeys, Haisheng shrugged and replied "I didn't see any. But then again, I spent most of the five days imagining how exciting this could have been".

China's top legislator Wu Bangguo, who watched the return of Shenzhou VI from the Beijing Aerospace Command and Control Centre, said "I didn't see much. I fell asleep when I realised that there was not a lot going on. I did have a good dream though, about a small child with celery for arms who gave me advice about my marriage".


Staff at the Beijing Aerospace Command and Control Centre spent much of the mission finding ways of amusing themselves.

When quizzed why the space mission was totally unremarkable, Bangguo replied "the problem, I think, is that space is rather big, and as such, nothing much happens there. I think we would have done better if we had just stayed at home and pretended".


Space. Big and empty.

Moss Mashed At Mandela Mansion?

The modeling world was rocked once again by allegations that supermodel Kate Moss was high as a kite* on a lethal cocktail of cocaine, smack, creme de menthe and Angel Delight during a 1998 party at the home of Former South-African President Nelson Mandela. Moss, when confronted about the allegations, denies she was mashed off her tits when she met the then-South African Premier.



“I wasn’t oven-baked,” Moss said at a press conference. “It was a long flight to South Africa, and I was tired. There’s no way I’d have taken some of the finest Colombian white snow to give myself the wallop needed to get through that party. And it wasn't even a real party. There weren't balloons, cake or any party hats. And anyway, if I needed a boost I’d have just gotten some coffee. And snorted it.”

Added Moss, “besides, we all thought we needed something to help us through that party. I mean, I didn’t even see Nelson there. Either of them.”



Kate, also known by her ‘drug-name’ of Medicinal Moss, has long had a very public battle with drugs which most felt was over when she finally snorted so much coke her ears exploded, her left arm became her right and her nose slipped down the front of her face and ended up by her navel.



Cocaine, a Class-A drug, has a variety of street names, such as Charlie, Gigglepowder, The Admiral's Daughter, Lively Dynamite and James Nesbit's Effervescent Nose Slicer. Cocaine gets its name from its ingredients, which include Chocolate, Tear Gas, Indian food and script music from Andrew Lloyd Webber Musicals. It's street-level price range from not much to quite a lot, depending on the quality of the musical.

Sources close to Ms. Moss claim that she may have used some kind of drug before the party, because she was hopelessly, hopelessly addicted to all kinds of chemical substances. Gavin Maselle, model booker and drug-buddy of Moss says, “yeah, she needed the drugs because she was hooked. That’s what drugs can do. Hook you. I reckon that’s because they’re addictive or something. And if you’re not careful, before long, you’re totally skint and on a deserted harbour in Weymouth, bent over a barrel with a six-foot high, twenty stone bald man calling himself ‘The Fagentaor’ behind you wielding a snooker cue and aiming for the brown. But, in Kate’s case, she just went for Pete Doherty. Probably a worse choice, but there you are."



*allegedly.
with thanks to Robotman for help with a photoshop

Political Cartoon - 06/02/2006

With thanks to Daimon67 for finding the original

Fashion Skim: The London Fashion Week

Good evening, fashion fans! You join me, Romain Leclerq, after the excitement of London Fashion Week 2006! What's "In" for this year? Listen up and soon you'll be the Mayor of Fashiontown!

Cloaks: IN


A smashing cloak.

Cloaks, favoured almost exclusively by goths and wizards, went out of fashion after King Edward VII spotted a palace functionary wearing a cloak in Buckingham Palace gardens during the bitter winter of 1905, and guffawed that the functionary 'looked like a total arse' and that 'no real man' would 'ever' wear a 'cloak' against the 'cold' because 'you look like an arse' in a cloak. Ironically, that winter, King Edward VII contracted hypothermia, a condition the royal Doctor, Lord Peter Cholmondesley-Haughstone, claimed would have been avoided 'had the Monarch donned a fetching cloak'.

This year, however, should see the cloak making a sterling comeback.

Socks: OUT


Socks. Not unlike those your grandmother might buy you.

Socks, unspurprisingly, remain well and truly OUT in 2006, as thay have done for the greater part of fifty years. Socks, the most hated of all undergarments, remain rooted in the public mind, forever blighted with the ignoble stigma of causing an unpleasant odour when a piece of sweaty footwear is removed. Especially when removed in the house of a lady. That lady will not be impressed with the loathesome sock, and many top fashion designers advise that the chances of sex will be greatly improved if the sock is totally ignored and a substitute is employed instead, such as the sleeve of a jumper, a very small pair of trousers ripped in twaine, or maybe you could even jam your feet into two willing and able bunny rabbits - which has the added 'cute' factor that is all the rage!

Comedy socks, of all shapes and sizes, are also OUT in 2006. And will forever remain so, if I have my way.

Jockstraps: OUT


A man in a revealing jockstrap.

Jockstraps swung back and forth, but I can suggest that they are pretty much OUT in 2006, except in suitable company, such as a company exclusively consisting of men with questionable bathtime habits after a sporting contest.

Trousers: IN


A woman in trousers! Now I've seen everything!

Trousers, trousers, trousers. When aren't they ever so IN that they're practically copulating? We all remember the crazy days of the nineteen eighties when legwarmers and embarrasingly short shorts made a break for stardom, but ultimately, the sensible trouser ruled supreme. Notable trouser wearers over the last century have included, but are not limited to, Hollywood Star Steven Seagal, Four Minute Mile Man Roger Bannister, German Overlord Kaiser Wilhelm II, and Famed Director Alfred Hitchcock. Yes, trousers are here to stay.

'Kerchief in the top pocket: OUT


Sophisticated, yet deadly.

The 'kerchief was always traditionally the final ingredient any young cad heading about town would add to his splendid attire. The 'kerchief says 'Hey! I'm a man-about-town! A bounder! A knave! And absolute rotter! And I know all the best joints in this city, and, what's more, I'm probably some toff who's about to slum with a prostitute and die horribly of syphillis thirty years later!' Yes, they might look handsome and sophisticated, but the wearer is more likely to head off and roger your daughter than participate in any stimulating chat involving stockbroking and the Racing Post.

Murder Legalised In The UK?

No. But British Laws are in upheaval as leaders debate modernizing the justice system. The old system of laws, which had been in place since the seventeenth century, had been criticized for being archaic and out-of-place. Currently one can suffer the death penalty or worse for any number of crimes, including impersonating a Chelsea Pensioner, fondling ducks in Regent’s Park and gruesomely murdering prostitutes.

It has been deemed the Justice system’s method for grading and punishing murder are due an overhaul, as punishments under the old model are many and varied:

• Hanged by the neck until dead - if the victim was a wealthy landowner.
  
  
• Hanged by the neck until annoyed - if the victim was a pleb.
  
  
• Fennocked and Glossopped - whereby the guilty party’s hands would be cut off and then he would be sent to join a disciplined Tennis school – if the murder victim was a small boy under seven years of age and not over five stone in weight or an old lady with seven or more woollen hats.
  
  
• Scroped - whereby the guilty party is buried up to the head in sand and is forced to watch the RSC’s critically slated performance of Shakespeare’s ‘The Tempest’, which was ‘flaccid, uninspiring, overlong and wracked with errors’ – if the murder victim was related to King Charles I, King Charles II or their hunting dogs.
  
  
• Pithyman Hamothsmeared – whereby the guilty party’s mother is told and sent to deal with him – if the murder victim was called William and enjoyed playing with ducks as a child.
  
  
• Spoondecked – whereby the guilty party would be made to go up to Henry ‘Skullsmasher’ McTaverty,the pre-eminent bareknuckled boxer of England, and call him a ‘lowly swine, fit nought for the use of a wimmin’s blouse’ – if the murder victim was devoid of at least three of his five senses or had all his Grandparents still alive.
  
  
• Fletching The Scrutter – whereby the guilty party’s thumbs are nailed to his thighs and his feet are forced into buckets and several small children surround him, raining punches and kicks down on his helpless frame – if the murder victim pulls through and lives a long and happy life.
  
  

Though some of the old punishments have fallen into disuse, many still continue, the last being deployed when Rhys Ewan Evan Effans from Wales was Peggeted in 2003 for the accidental death of a Scottish widow called Susan, whom he backed over in the west side of Arbroath in a Red Triumph Spitfire.

“When Mr Effans reversed over Susan, the laws dictated that he be Peggeted for his crime,” said Superintendant Jim Organs of the Highland Police. “But there's no question the laws should be updated. I remember the chaos in 1992, when Mr. James was given the punishment of Flaying The Spulgen for his murder of a twelve year old asthmatic girl with a birthmark in the shape of a decahedron on her left shin. It turned out later that as the birthmark was on the shin, he should have been subjected to a series of Ruttocked Mervins. It was hell of a job sorting that out, not least because after his Ruttocking, Mr. James was unable to even attempt Flaying the Spulgen.”

Art Skim: Turner Prize Finalists

Hallo. I am Romain Leclerq and you join me as the world teeters over a vast, swathing sea of controversy. The art world is about to be turned on it's head, the eyebrows will arch like an Olympic polevaultist and that omnipresent question "what the fuck is that?" will be asked of the art world yet again. Yes, dear friends, for the Turner Prize has crept up behind us and is poised to pounce, like the voracious tiger of the African prairie, full of surprise, strange beauty and sharp pointy teeth.

The Turner is now down to three finalists, three works of art created by three human beings, all charging towards the prize like an out of control car powered by smugness and talent:

------------------------------------

1. "Le Dossier, La Douche Et La Petite Cadeau Pour La Grand Cadeau" (The folder, the shower and the little present for the big present)
by Alain Merlot



Firstly, I would like to present unto the world, my award-winning fellow Frenchman, Alain Merlot, that most gifted and enigmatic of the latest posse of Nouveau-Pastiche-Amaretto-Faux artists to emerge from the sun-drenched port of Marseilles.

Tortured soul, lost eyes and runny faeces, all wrapped up in a conundrum contained within a decoy, shelled into a corner by a joke and then patted on the head by a whimsy. Alain Merlot has truly asked the biggest of questions with this scintillating, provoking piece. Here, by the exact placement of the fez within the pram, Alain asks us, the sausage-eating and cravat-wearing public, 'Where do I come from?' But the question is twisted, returned and fired out twice as hard by the garish leopard skin print of the fez. And as we reel from this double blow, a third thought empties upon us like an enema from the heavens. "Where do I go from here that isn't a week last Tuesday?" And lest we forget, all decisions made are watched, hawk-like, by the rabbit, crouched like a water closet filled with dark matter, beneath this most fearsome of prams. And the answer to these dark, mirthful questions? It is nowhere and everywhere. Yes, a truly awesome stroke of genius by Merlot. A favourite, a mistress, a persona grata.

2. "Quack"
by Boris Odessa.



"The second piece, a flaming retort against everything you and I stand for, is by Boris Odessa, a ground breaking and wall shattering Left Wrong Flopsie artist from Tbilisi.

The harsh lines, the stark white, the glint of gold, the promise of pleasure mixed with pain, the time has emerged and it has been placed in a box in the corner and forgotten about. The callous laugh, the muted sigh, the wretched fervour of the defrocked priest. What more can one painting offer? The imagination shrinks at the possibilities offered by this piece by professional pie-eater Odessa. This piece reeks of the filth Odessa saw on the streets of Tbilisi as a small boy lost in a sea of men. Was it a past glory, or long forgotten shame that subconsciously guided Odessa's skilled hand across the flappy contours of the canvas? Who knows? Who cares? I for one do not. I just want to admire and weep.

3. "Granny's Seven Inch Long Wish List"
by Angus McLeod.



"The third piece has swung forth from obscurity like a ham thrown to an indifferent spaniel by the burly and manly brawn of Scotsman Angus McLeod.

Haunted? Hunted? Hounded? None of these fit, yet the mind is pulled towards their beguiling charms. This is the eternal war, of muscle squaring off against intelligence, on a table-tennis table of gloom and warmongering. Will the grizzly visage of Eddy Guerrero, former WWE World Cruiserweight Champion and Latino Heat Hero defeat the coldly Socialist visage of Karl Marx? What could be more perfect than the eternal and damning struggle between these two colossusi? These stalwart defenders of two completely different though eerily similar pillars of life? Look at the intensity of the struggle, the slight tilt and determination of Eddy as his eyes turn away from the icy stare of a long dead proto-communist. Does Eddy fear death? Fear life? Fear a life under the power of a Workingman's Union? McLeod brilliantly sums this feeling of heart-rending terror and mutual man love up with room to spare for tea and scones and a nice pot of gin. This, Gentleladies and Men is the past, the future and the present, rolled up into one, and if you are brave enough to look deeper, you might catch a glimpse into every man's soul. A wonderful moment of clarity, spoiled by the capricious saucer of inevitability. Tremendous.

------------------------------------

And those are the three musketeers of modern art, swashbuckling to the death with the Turner as their spoils. But that was then, this is now, tomorrow has been wearing a coat since Sunday and next week has leapt into my mother's bed and taken all the sheets. I have been Romain Leclerq, you have been amazed, our minds have been opened and Art has filled them like cannons firing wafers into the moon. Good day.

Face/Off

French surgeons have successfully completed the first face transplant operation, attaching the face of legendary actor James Earl Jones' onto the front of a small French girl's head. Small French girl Marianne Cadeau, 7, is reputably delighted with her new ruggledly handsome, late middle aged, black face. "I feel it's every girl's dream", she enthused. "What seven-year-old girl wouldn't like to have the face of the man who played Johnny Williams in 1976's 'The River Niger' attached to her?"


Before


After

More than 13,000 patients are on the waiting list for a James Earl Jones face and doctors say up to 12,999 of them won't get one. Cadeau was chosen for the operation because of all of those who suffer from not having James Earl Jones' face, she didn't have it the most.

"The grafting of the face of '70's Blaxploitation star James Earl Jones onto a French girl was a complex process," says French surgeon Pierre Perrier. "We thought that such groundbreaking surgery was always going to be tricky, but failure to give this girl the face of actor James Earl Jones, who starred opposite Bill Cosby in 1977's A Piece Of The Action, was not an option."



During a press conference held by Marianne and her family, Marianne's mother, Claudette, 40, said "I thought this operation was insanity - that it would be impossible. Until, that is, Marianne said, 'nothing's impossible, Mama. Because even impossible is four fifths possible. And I'd bet my house with those odds!' She didn't, of course. She doesn't have a house. And I punished her for telling such lies."

China Blocks Cocks, Box: Freedom Talks Locked

Chinese censors have stepped up their war on everything, with new efforts to block all information coming and going from the country via the internet. Experts believe this is an effort to keep people both inside and outside from finding out just how awesome their nation is, possibly so it will be a surprise later.


What are we missing in China?

Chinese officials are also concentrating their efforts on censoring any subversive Chinese site found guilty of displaying pornography, democratic images or any other adult-related material to their populace. However, they quickly realized they were fighting a losing battle and resorted to more subtle means to try and bring the Chinese populace back to order.


Propaganda teams modify popular internet sites.

Such reports have been strenuously denied by China. In a recent press conference, Chinese Minister of Information, Sun Ji-Hung, said, "there is nothing censored in China. We don't know what you're talking about. Everything here is fine. Nothing has gone missing, or anything."

Chinese foreign minister, Li Zhaoxing, was later quizzed about the denial Sun Ji-Hung put forward. "What denial? Who's Li-Hung? There is no offical record of these things anywhere. YOU LEAVE NOW."


China has long had a history of censorship, says Nicolas Becquelin, a research director at a Hong-Kong based human rights organisation to whom these events and the Chinese denial of these events and the Chinese denial of the denial of the events come as no surprise. "When the west first discovered China, and the wonders therein, China spent millions of dollars trying to convince potential tourists that their historical wonders were nonexistent. China values its privacy, much like, say, a crazy old hermit in the woods."


The Great _____ of China

UPDATE: In response to this story, the Chinese government has issued a statement declaring that what the world is referring to as 'China' is in fact just a small paddy field near the Mongolian border.


State-issued map of China

Airbus Accident: Could You Die Next?

Investigators are looking for the cause of a Jetblue flight's emergency landing on Wednesday when a landing gear jammed at a 90 degree angle, a near-disaster which News Skim believes was likely caused by illegal immigration. Our experts tell us that fifty or sixty immigrants hiding in the undercarriage, trying to sneak into the country unobserved, could easily jam the landing gear and bring about a catastrophe.


The effects of immigration.

“Hiding in the undercarriage of airplanes is not a new trick.” Howard Plagens, of the National Transportation Safety Board said. “Immigrants have been doing it for years – hell, that’s how my family got to America in the first place. But in recent years there's been a sharp rise in the number of revolting immigrants piling into America from Urukryinstan, or Tajinirikkistan, or wherever the bloody hell else they’re from.”

Before, immigrants would simply hide in the undercarriage, maybe with a blanket to fend off the cold. But recently they have started bringing along furniture, livestock and their extended families. In the bigger jets, entire communities of Easter Europeans have been found nestling around the landing gear.


The all-to-common sight of landing gear being improperly used as a home.

Increasingly, immigrants have become more more inventive. German Airport officials at Hannover had to ground a Boeing 747 when it became apparent that three generations of Uzbeks had cunningly disguised themselves as the flaps and ailerons on the left wing of an Airbus 319. Indian officials have numerous reports of people approaching a plane, dressed up as “pilots” and trying to “fly the plane somewhere. Anywhere.”

International Evil Geniuses Attempt To Play God

God 'Not A Happy Camper', Sources Claim

An internationally acclaimed group of Evil Geniuses have been bought to justice for attempting to play god. As is the nature of such Geniuses, they had hatched a horrific plan to conquer the world, in which they were to enslave humanity, by creating a master race of radioactive Jellyfish/Human hybrids. By splicing Human and Jellyfish Semen together, mixing them in the testicles of a hamster, and adding a healthy dose of 'green', these Evil Geniuses fought to produce a race of creatures that would 'far surpass any life form currently here on earth.

Suspicions were aroused when a security leak from the Evil Genius's superden, Iniquity Mountain, was passed into the hands of the press. From a bunch of papers found in a dustbin in Bognor, England, the groups plans were discovered, detailing the International Evil Geniuses plans for world domination.

Evil Geniuses are normally credited with the building of highly suspect machinery, such as the Robotelescopic Briefcase, George Foreman Grill and Nuclear Catflap. However, the documents found hinted that this disreputable gang of evil Geniuses has long had a history of attempted cloning. Last year, one of their number, Insane Professor Tim, was arrested for attempting to produce a half-midget, half-donkey "super-being", which, he claimed, would "be able to carry heavy loads, but at the same time avoid low branches and stuff". Prof. Tim was arrested when he attempted to staple a donkey to 'Willow' star Warwick Davies.


A snippet of information from the documents.

Prosecuting Lawyer, Hope Feathers, states "This group, under the guidence of Mad Dr. Peteter De'ath have attempted to mesh together all manner of beings, but, luckily for the world, their experiments always get cut short when the test subject complain bitterly about having an animal stuck to them in some way, from the midget with a donkey, to the hamster glued to the pregnant woman and the angry squirrel shoved down the trousers of an insurance broker. Though that could possibly be an unconnected incident. In a state of confusion, they once lashed a piglet to the Eiffel Tower and scarpered."


A flying rocket-gunhorse, presented as evidence of what 'real' genetic mutations should do.

Dr. Peteter De'ath, on his arrest, claimed that their latest vile plan had been successful, and that a Jellyfish-cross-Human had been created, and set free on the unsuspecting public. "But you'll never find him!" the good Doctor cackled. "No! He's indistinguishable from normal humans! And he's out to kill each and every one of you!" Dr. De'ath then proceeded to cackle insanely and would have raised him claw-like hands to the sky in triumph had he not been soundly beaten by alert members of the British Constabulary, on hand in court.


Early reports indicate this gun-toting Jellyfish Man might be the latest test-subject of the International Evil Geniuses.

The trial continues.

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China Causes Customs Chaos

...due to the attempted smuggling of endangered species. China has been charged with smuggling creatures as diverse as the African Elephant, Impala, Siberian Tiger, Trouser Snake and Frenchman across international borders. The arrest came when Customs officials at Harare International Airport stopped China boarding a Boeing 777 due to it’s carrying a “suspicious giraffe-shaped suitcase”.

“I noticed China looking a bit suspicious as it approached check-in”. Assia Nwankwo, a customs officer at Harare International said, “It had a shifty look in it’s eyes, and it was sweating somewhat profusely as it approached the metal detecting machines. Of course, I asked for it to put it’s luggage on the table, for me to inspect, and I was very surprised by the contents.”


Due to legal reasons, China cannot be shown and has been replaced by a man.

Reports released by the airport customs officials reveal that China was carrying a suitcase with a secret apartment built into the bottom of the case, “in which was a large variety of African wildlife, including springboks and a black rhinoceros”, the zoo value of which was in excess of $3,000,000, if pure-bred.

China was immediately arrested and taken into Airport custody, where animal welfare officers interrogated it for sixteen hours. Chief Animal Welfare Officer Edward Maartins, present during the interrogation, later released the following statement.

“After intensive questioning, China admitted to animal smuggling activities over the last few years. It appears we are on the verge of cracking an international animal smuggling ring, in which China has smuggled class-one endangered animals out of Zimbabwe with a zoological value of around $40,000,000.”

“Well,” Maartins said to News Skim in an exclusive interview, “it’s sad, you know? These countries often come from a good upbringing, but are just looking for a cheap thrill, to get some easy beer money. They’re lured into this sordid business by other, bigger countries - pier pressure, really. They see these first world countries doing it and they just want to be cool, to fit in. It’s a great shame.” When asked what normally happened to the countries involved, Maartins replied, “oh, we normally call Kofi Annan and let him deal with it. He’ll probably just ground them from the next Olympic Games, and maybe even the World Cup if he really wants to teach young China a lesson. But, the thing to remember is, we were all young and silly once.”

Chinas arrest, however, had opened up the world of International Animal Running. From this simple arrest in Harare, a web of countries involved in this vile trade has been exposed, mainly developed countries who routinely use third world nations as their runners, or ‘smugglebunnies’ as they’re known in this sick trade. However, the process of revealing these countries has been painfully slow.

“We don’t want to arrest the smugglebunnies, because that’ll alert the big shots,” Sandy Vadge of Interpol states, “and if we alert them, they’ll be off quicker than a mother with a baby full of halibut. No, we need to bypass the lower ranks and catch the big boys by the short ‘n’ curlies”. When asked what progress has been made, Vadge replied, “Well, we had suspected some of the bigger European nations, but when we got to Europe, a little boy told us everyone was out and to try later, then we noticed Great Britain, Germany and Austria all trying to sneak out past the Faroes. We cornered them, but they claimed they were 'popping out for a smoke'. We had no evidence, so we had to let them go."

The noose is ever tightening around these shady big shots, and they know their time is up. The question is, how many more defenceless fluffy animals will they mercilessly smuggle before this mess is all over? One? Seven? Fifty-four? Who knows, but at least for now, someone cares.

Women Are Told Not To Mind Their Pretty Little Heads

…by all those complex and terrifying gizmos in the job market. Women, one of the more popular genders of human, have long been mooted by researchers as “likely to get into a bit of a flap” over anything more complicated than an iron or simple washing machine. Indeed, recent research by the Department of Trade and Industry has indicated that women just aren’t designed to do anything more strenuous than prepare a lovely supper for their husband when he returns from work.

“Oh yes,” Professor Scott Hammer, chief researcher from the DTI said, “Our research indicates that women are just incapable of dealing with the technological advances that occur so rapidly in the workplace. It’s not their fault, bless them, but it’s just the way they’re designed.”

The research Professor Hammer and his department released show a clear difference in the ability of men and women to grasp certain aspects of work. Whereas men think solely of work, and whatever comes with it, save for a few quiet moments of contemplation about a comfortable armchair, women are unable to devote that much brain power to a single idea, preferring to flit between thoughts of nice curtains, fluffy objects, shades of pink and Tupperware. This leaves very little space for the female brain to perform vital tasks in the workplace.


The male brain - very work orientated


The female brain - note the key differences

“It’s simple really,” Professor Hammer explains, “give a man a big drill and he knows what to do with it. He looks at the drill and says ‘I am a man. This is my weapon. I am going to drill a big hole in something’. Give that drill to a woman and she’ll probably drop it. And then complain. Women are like a hamster with a wooden nipple. Completely useless”.

As expected, the Association for the Restriction of Sexual Equality (A.R.S.E.) have stood up behind the research. The chairman of the Association, huge, bearded Lord Darcy Leverhulme thundered “It’s about bloody time” before slapping his serving girl on the behind and calling for another brandy.

The League of Equality between Gender and Sexes (L.E.G.S.) chairwoman, Claire Nutsmasher, is outraged by this revelation from the DTI. “I can’t believe it! We don’t live in the dark ages. Women are just as capable as men are, and even more so, in many situations. I’d like to see that wanker Leverhulme force a thirteen pound baby out of a bodily orifice and come up smiling."

But what of the man in the street? Does the average male like A.R.S.E.? Or is he a L.E.G.S. man? Chartered accountant Wilfred Chucklepickett claimed “I tend to swing both ways.”


A street with a man in it, much like the street in which the man was asked.

So, after extensive research, the battle between the sexes looks set for yet another round. Man may have won this time, but will Jane Lady manage to get a smart uppercut in on John Gentleman, or will he simply punch her into next week? One thing is for sure, whatever happens, those jam-jars will still need to be opened.

Smoking The Cause Of Everything

…experts in the United Kingdom claim. Dr. Chris Peacock, from the University of Aberystwyth, Wales, claims that new research into the evils of smoking “have revealed that smoking is the cause of more than just cancer”. At a recent press conference, Dr. Peacock declared, “Everybody knows the more common dangers of smoking, such as cancer, failed pregnancies, lowered sperm count, osteoarthritis, Oedipus complex, clubfoot and swollen balls. However, our recent research has linked smoking the a lot more than that”.

When asked what else could be cause by smoking, Dr. Peacock simply shrugged, “Pretty much everything, I guess.”


Research has linked smoking to natural disasters.

“For example,” Dr. Dicken Hairs, assistant to Dr. Peacock explained, “smoking has recently been linked to AMD blindness. Most people associate blindness with masturbation, not smoking, but we’re out to change that.”

Dr. Peacock continued, “Yes. We want people to realise just what smoking can do to you, and how to give up. Research indicates that smokers give up smoking when they feel the first signs of an unwanted after effect, like death. We wanted to get the message across that whilst death is the most effective way of giving up smoking; it’s a bit permanent for some people’s tastes.”

The University’s research indicates that smokers to tend to give up smoking when they have experienced a fairly large side effect. Mike Thrimble of Oldham gave up smoking when he first contracted AMD Blindness. When asked why he gave up then, he said “Well, I couldn’t find my fags any more”.


This old gent has been smoking for seventy years. And now he is ninety, just another side effect of smoking.

The University’s research is winning friends and supporters across the country. Felicity Walmer-Bucks, a sixteen year old Catholic from Brechin City said “I thought God hated me and made me feel guilty because I touched myself at night. Now I know it’s because I’ve thought about smoking. It’s a real weight off my mind.”

The University of Aberystwyth’s research is having unwanted effects, however. After hearing that smoking might cause the onset of puberty, fifteen year old David Patehands, a lifelong non-smoker said “It [smoking] might just be the case. I’ve never touched a cigarette and still don’t have hair on my balls. I guess I’d better start smoking if I want to get girls!”

Not everyone has been convinced by the University’s latest research. Frank Gibbon, a director of Imperial Tobacco thinks the research is a load of baloney. “I think it’s a load of baloney,” he said at a recent press conference. “The only think smoking gives you is a growth of coolness, not a growth on your left testicle. Nor does it give you pink eye, a decrease in footballing knowledge or make you appreciate the music of Celine Dion. Tobacco does none of those things.”

Students Are Too Lazy To Learn...

…claims an education specialist, in a recent BBC education probe. Julian Elliot, a boffin from Durham University recently concluded that the popular schoolchild complaint of Dyslexia is not, actually, a recognised medical disorder, but an “umbrella term under which all lazy schoolchildren are placed”.

Speaking to BBC education correspondent Rick Spigget, Dr. Elliot said, “For years, I’ve suspected that dyslexia was just a blanket under which sleep thousands of children who simply cannot be bothered to learn basic literary skills. As a result, I started a study to discover if these slothful beggars were using dyslexia as a wall to hide behind whilst they simply masturbated their education away”.

Dr. Elliot spend thirty years conducting exhausting research, in which he read “well over half a dozen” books and leaflets, after which he came to the conclusion that it is simply an impossibility to tell the different between an indolent, brain-dead youth and a child with a serious learning block.

During his research, Dr. Elliot placed ten dyslexic seven-year-olds in a room, and gave them an hour to write a set essay. “And after that hour,” Dr. Elliot states “not one child had written anything cohesive or meaningful. One had just drawn a picture of a tank. A clear indication that they were just too lazy to do anything constructive.” When asked what he suspected they did for the hour, Dr. Elliot merely shrugged. “They were probably just mucking about”.


A letter Dr Elliot received. "I couldn't read most of them" he later admitted.

The British Dyslexia Association (BAD) claimed the findings were “complete and utter woghosh”. Professor Susan Tresman, spokesperson for the British Dyslexia Association, in an official press release stated:

“The British Dyslexia Association is outraged that Dr. Elliot is suggesting we’re all lathopogically lazy. Dyslexia is not a condition to be sniffed at, and we would appreciate it is Dr. Elliot would aplologise to dyslexia sufferers everywhere”.

Since releasing his findings to the public, Dr. Julian Elliot has been bombarded with “badly worded correspondence, rife with spelling errors” he can only deduce came from “lazy bastards who insist their condition warrants them an extra hour in examinations.”