How To Woo A Lady

Some things over the last few decades have changed, either for better or worse. Things like the internet, the price of oil or the quality of Steve Martin films. Some things, however, have remained the same, like Brian May’s hair or Heather Locklear’s face. And, of course, the noble art of wooing a lady.

Wooing a lady is a daunting task, and has been for many centuries. Some Gentlemen have the innate ability to woo born into them. Some develop an ability to woo, whilst others have no idea and are desperately seeking a handy guide to help end their lady solitude. If you belong in the third category, then this guide is for you!

PART 1: MEETING A LADY

When meeting a lady, you need to consider a location, a location where ladies are typically found in abundance. Places such as a haberdashery store, a hair salon, a laundrette or a maternity ward are fine examples. These are all places where you can be guaranteed to find many ladies and critically, not many gentlemen. An abundance of gentlemen is a bad sign when trying to woo a lady as many of the other gentlemen will be trying to do the same thing. Too many Gentlemen often scare ladies and the ladies will then retire to the nearest lavatory, leaving nothing but Gentlemen in the vicinity. The result is what historians call a ‘Sausage Fest*’.

When you have located an ideal spot full of ladies, approach carefully. Ladies are skittish creatures, and when approached by a Gentleman, will close together in a defensive huddle. An experienced wooer can break into the huddle and reach the young, healthy ladies, but an inexperienced wooer, such as yourself, will have better luck if they pick off the old, crippled or sick who were too slow to enter the huddle. These ladies can easily be rounded up and cornered, and your wooing assault can now begin.

When approaching your selected lady, do so slowly; any quick movements will send the lady scurrying for cover. Also, be careful of your body language. Be open and confident and do not look shifty, or look straight into the lady’s eyes. This can spook them, and make further wooing tricky. Instead, keep your eyes on her breasts - on no account must you stop looking at the breasts. Furthermore, do not keep your hands where you usually keep them. Instead, remove them from the front of your trousers and slip them into your trouser pockets. This way, you can achieve a nonchalant look and still massage your balls and also keep any resulting erections in check.



SPEAKING TO THE LADY

So, you’ve located a lady to woo, and have approached her without her taking flight. Well done, but that’s only part of the challenge. Next, you have to talk to her. This is tricky, and must be done with great care. A large part of wooing a lady is the initial contact, and if this goes badly, it can be hard to recover.

Ladies expect the Gentleman to initiate a conversation, so when you are within talking distance, introduce yourself by giving a short exclamation on how the day has been, and then give your full name, followed by any titles, qualifications and nationally recognised awards you have. Follow this with your current no-claims bonus on your car insurance, your foot size and finally, your preference of bacon. This may seem needlessly excessive, and it is, but ladies enjoy excess, because excess is two-thirds of success, and that’s what ladies really crave.

The lady may or may not give her name back. It doesn’t matter. However, what you must next do is comment on a feature you find acceptable, features such as her eyes, breasts, hair or tennis elbow. Ladies are shallow beings and a compliment is to them what a nice pair of trousers or good electric powertool is to man. As such, compliments are the lifeblood of wooing, and a gentleman must get used to delivering them with gusto.

Thirdly, you must ask the lady out on a date. This is the deal breaker. If your delivery of your name and your compliments were good enough, she will accept the offer of a date, and you will pick her up at seven accordingly. When asking the lady on a date, you have to specify where you wish the date to take place. Make sure you take her somewhere she will enjoy. Be careful though, as even though your lady enjoys places such as a kitchen, supermarket, bingo hall or Gynaecology Clinic, she will not want to go on a date there! Instead, I suggest going to a fancy restaurant, as a lady gets pleasure from eating, and will thus be amenable to further wooing.

To give you a complete example of how to talk to a lady, I have recorded what I, a master wooer, would say to a lady. I would approach a lady, and say “Isn’t it a Good Day? I am Lord Admiral Sir Charles Geoffrey St. Gloucestershire Cholmondesley-Taylor, O.B.E. I have seven years no-claims bonus, thus proving I am a more than adequate driver. My foot size is12, and my favourite bacon is applewood-smoked thick back slices. Your thighs are very impressive. They have a solid, trunk-like quality about them and you must be able to scoot up a ladder jolly quickly indeed. I’m going to my mother’s house for tea. You are to come and meet her.” If delivered with the aplomb only a master wooer has, this would devastate a lady into next week.


GETTING DRESSED FOR THE DATE

Ladies like a well turned out Gentleman, and you must be no exception. So put away your usual attire - those hotpants, rucksack, bum-bag and well-loved Wham! T-shirt just won’t cut it on a date. What you need to acquire is a suit – any kind of suit, double breasted, zoot, armour, you name it. Ladies go floppy at the knees upon seeing a man in a suit. The material you wish the suit to be in should be an expensive one, like silk, leather or a metal alloy. You will also need a pair of shoes so shiny, you could use them as a shaving mirror. Your clothing must impress your lady as well as be a display of your wealth, strength, and ability to dress yourself. And, of course, nothing impresses a lady like a man with half an iron foundry on him.


PART 2: ON THE DATE

THE FANCY RESTAURANT

Fancy restaurants are intimidating places, but they are a vital part in the wooing process. It is an ideal place to bring your date, and if everything goes swimmingly well, it is a good place to bring your date’s father a few months later, so you can apologise for impregnating his only child. There are many obstacles to overcome in a fancy restaurant, most of which must be negotiated with practice, patience, and guile. This part of the guide will help you through the most common stages, so you emerge the other end with your dignity, your wallet and your wooing intact.

Upon meeting your date, it is advisable to give her a present, something she will find charming and romantic. I suggest flowers, chocolates, a cream for a vaginal yeast infection, or some form of edible underwear, laced with intent.

You date may appear to be either pleased or displeased with your gift, but it doesn’t matter. It is the Thought That Counts, and not the number of toggles and straps on that expensive peephole PVC bra.


GETTING A TABLE:

The first thing to do in a fancy restaurant is get a table. You may not bring your own and put it in the middle of the room, or even in a corner. Getting a table can be achieved by approaching the maitre D and inquiring if he has a table for two. Sometimes you may be required to wait because there are no tables available. Do not panic, storm out, or blame your date. This is fairly common and often, the wait is less than an hour. If you are required to wait, simply take your date over to the bar area and order a drink. Enquire if your date wishes to have a drink, then order her a gin and tonic regardless. Ladies like Gin and Tonics, though often pretend to enjoy other drinks as well. This behaviour is not to be encouraged and it is your duty as a Gentleman to put your foot down.

If you do not have to wait, or if your waiting time is over, the Maitre D will show you to a table. This is your table for the night, but it is only on loan, so you may not take it with you when you leave. At this point, some people recommend you slip the Maitre D some money as a thank-you tip; I find money impersonal, and suggest a full kiss on the lips to be more appropriate. The Matire D will enjoy your more physical thanks a lot more than a handful of crumpled, sweaty dollar bills.

When seated, you may need to make Small Talk until the wine list arrives. Small talk is not as daunting as it sounds: Ask your date how her day has been. Any answer will not be interesting to you in the slightest, but you must appear keen. She will talk about what Jennifer said at the coffee machine at work about Timothy, or what Sebastian said at the tennis club about her serve, or what Rosemary said about racial equality whilst beating her new Puerto Rican servant. Just nod and agree when your date takes a breath. Hopefully, the waiter will soon arrive with the wine list and she will shut up.


ORDERING THE WINE

Ladies enjoy wine almost as much as a Gin and Tonic, and your date will be no exception. Men like yourself are not meant to enjoy wine, but we must pretend to in order to continue wooing a lady. Therefore, when the waiter arrives, take the wine list in a haughty, authoritarian style, and stare at it. Reading the list will not make sense as it is written in a style alien to most men. Nod your head knowingly at perplex terms like ‘full-bodied’, ‘fruity’, ‘earthy’ or ‘jockular’ but do not be alarmed when you see a wine referred to as ‘dry’. This is an impossible paradox and the wine waiter will have put it in to try and panic you. Do not fall for it – instead, after about fifteen seconds of staring, point at a random line, claim you wish to imbibe it and read out the description as if you know exactly what it means. Your date will be impressed.

The wine waiter will return with a glass bottle of wine, and he will pour a little bit into your glass. Swill the wine around, sniff it, and take a mouthful. Do not swallow it, as all taster wines are not meant to be drunk, else no one else can taste it. Instead, spit it out back into your glass, and offer it to your date to try. Don’t be alarmed if she refuses. Ladies always let men pick the wine so as to provide a scape-goat if the wine is not Good.

I know the wine tasted awful – that’s how wine is meant to taste. Even so, you must tell the waiter it is acceptable, and allow him to pour your date a glass. He will only pour half a glass of wine into your date’s glass. This is normal – ladies cannot drink more than half-a-glass of wine at once. If they do, they become giddy and unpredictable. The waiter will then pour you a glass of wine. If he attempts to stop pouring halfway, reprimand him with a raised voice and a two-fingered smack on the nose. You need to prove to your date that you can drink a whole glass of wine. As this proves you to be a virile man, who will be a fine candidate for mating. When the waiter has filled your wine glass to the brim, he will enquire as to whether you are ready to order food.


ORDERING YOUR FOOD

There is only one rule when ordering food at a fancy restaurant – meat, meat, meat! Make sure you order at least three courses of meat. If possible, have three steaks. Your date will be impressed that you can eat so much meat. Do not try and order any food with a foreign language in its name. You will not be able to pronounce it and your failure to do so will lower you in your date’s eyes. Instead, when the waiter enquires what you wish to eat, confidently hand him the menu and say you want meat. He will understand what you mean, and provide you with as much as you need.

Your date will order foods like salads and fish. This is perfectly normal as ladies can survive on such foods. Do not attempt to shove meat down your date’s throat in a misguided attempt to fatten her up in preparation for future pregnancies. This will not go down very well and your date may well end.

Some fancy restaurants offer a round of Sorbets in between each course. If this is the case, politely refuse, telling the waiter that there is no meat in a sorbet.


THE CUTLERY

The cutlery is the hardest obstable to face in any fancy restaurant. You may have up to six knives and six forks in front of you, with a variety of spoons hanging around the edge. When presented with your first course, whatever you do, don’t hesistate over the cutlery! Your daet may well take this as a sign of weakness.

Most of the items of cutlery are decoys placed there to test you. Any sensible Gentleman knows the only cutlery you may possibly need is a large spoon, and this is simply because they look amusing. Fingers will serve you just fine when it comes to eating your food, unless you have foolishly deviated from meat and ordered a soup. If this is the case, simply ask your waiter for a straw, or you can just place your face into the bowl of soup and suck. Ignore the burning sensation. You have already fouled up by ordering soup and you don’t want to lose even more respect, do you?

Put your spoon to one side, and offer the rest of your cutlery to your date. She will be impressed by your generosity. If your waiter replenishes your cutlery at any time, thank him, and when he leaves the table, offer the new set to your date. If she refuses, try giving it out to other diners. A lot of people like cutlery, and you will look generous in the eyes of your Date.


WHEN THE MEAL ARRIVES

With the clever elimination of cutlery, your food will arrive with only a spoon to distract you. You may use the spoon if you wish, but as you have ordered meat, I advise you to just shove your food into your mouth using your hands. And remember, like everything in life, eating in a fancy restaurant is a race. You must finish your meal before your date finishes hers. Don’t be alarmed when you see your date eating her food delicately with a knife and fork – this is a trap designed to make you doubt yourself and slow down. Nothing impresses a lady more than a Gentleman who can fit a twelve-ounce steak into his mouth in one go. If you think your date is catching you up, it is acceptable to distract her by throwing her food across the room. She will have to waste valuable seconds retrieving it and apologising to the other diners.

Periodically, your waiter may approach your table and ask if everything is okay. Common protocol is to have too much food in your mouth to answer coherently, so keep an eye out for any waiter approaching, and make sure you have enough food ready to cram into your mouth. If you are running out, try procuring food from the plate of your date or those of the other diners. They will do the same to you if you give them even half a chance.

If you behave as you should, you will finish your food before your Date. In such a scenario, it is perfectly acceptable to reach over and help yourself to whatever is on her plate. She would be doing the same right now if you hadn’t finished before her. She might put up a bit of a fight. If that is the case, use the ‘look over there, it’s a sale at Bloomingdale’s and it appears there is to be thirty percent of the price of skirts, blouses and undergarmets!’ Your date will be too eager for the chance to buy cut-price clothing to care how much food is filched off of her plate.

FINISHING YOUR MEAL

When your date puts down her knife and fork, the meal is over. You must declare in a hearty, booming voice how lovely it was, even if it tasted like battery acid. Phrases such as ‘that was jolly good,’ or ‘mmmmm’ will suffice. You must also ask your date if she enjoyed the meal, though this knowledge will be of no use to you whatsoever. It is all part of the Fancy Restaurant Dating Etiquette.

You are now expected to pay for the meal. This is tricky because, like all respectable Gentlemen, you will not have a job and therefore, you have no money. Ergo, when the waiter arrives with the bill, simply direct him towards your date, and she will have to pay. She will be angry, but this anger will be directed at herself because she didn’t think to direct the waiter towards you first. If your date continues to show anger, simply remove your napkin from your collar, place it delicately on the table, lean forwards and reprimand her with a firm, raised voice and a two fingered smack on the nose.

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And that’s it! Your date is over, your lady has been wooed. After a date, you are not expected to ever see the Lady again, which is a good thing because any attempt to do so will often result in a slap to the face or neck. However, wooing ladies is all part of being a modern Gentleman, and you must continue to woo as many different ladies as possible. Ergo, you must stick to this simple guide, and hone your wooing skills and soon, you shall soon be a master wooer like myself and eventually, you will become a Gentleman other Gentlemen aspire to be! Good luck!

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*This term dates from the German duchy of Hanover. It was first recorded in 1864 when the then ruler, Duke Earnest Augustus, a long time fan of meat, asked all the city’s butchers to display their wares at the first annual Fleischfeier, or Meat Festival, where he himself had intended to judge the finest meats. However when the festival started, the butchers, all big, bearded, very German men, noticed to their consternation that they had all bought sausages to show the Duke. When Duke Augustus arrived, he was heard to howl with delight. “Fleischfeier?” the Duke boomed, “More like a Wurstfeier! It’s a good thing I like sausages and enjoy putting them in my mouth, and am secure enough in my sexuality to make such a comment. Now, I’m going to go and hug my wife!**” Thus the name Wurstfeier, or Sausage Fest, stuck as a term used when a large group of men are together without female company, and are thus free to discuss meat products without fear of reprisal.

**Of course, Earnest Augustus was an enormous mincer, and instead of wife, he means another man. And instead of hug, he means go boating on the royal lake.