Using your telephone correctly

Hello Johnson.

Can you telephone call Miss James using the telephone please? If you have never used a telephone, here's what you do - pick up the handset, or receiver, and place one end to your ear. You should hear a low buzz. Then swing your face towards the concentric numbered buttons (you will see them numbered 1-0.with one in the top left, and 0 at the bottom). You need to mash your face into the buttons the same amount of times as there are letters in Miss James' name, so that's fifty nine face mashes. It'll hurt a bit, but don't worry. This is entirely natural.

When you finish mashing, you will hear a ringing tone (provided you still have the handset pressed up against your ear - if you have dropped the handset to facilitate face mashing, pick it back up and replace it against either lobe). The ringing may continue for an indeterminable amount of time, as it traverses through a semi-cut wormhole spliced through the medium of space matter, scouring the edges of the chaos void that exists in the multiverse separating both you and Miss James. There is no telling how long it may take the telephone call to make this journey, but whilst the journey is being made, you yourself, as the source of the call, will slip outside of time, so even though it may seem like the ringing has carried on for three or four months, it will, in reality, in our reality, have only been a few seconds.

After the call is made, the telephocommunication unit placed on Miss James' desk will emit a high pitched ring. This means that something has gone horribly amiss during the telephone calls epic journey through the multiverse, and the phone on Mis James' desk is likely to explode. Miss James will thus try and evacuate her desk and her office, for fear that the telephone call, whilst making it's journey, ahas picked up a 'hanger on', a kind of unwanted hitchhiking transdimensional horror, much like the one seen in Buffy The Vampire Slayer season 6 episode 3, when Buffy, newly reincarnated and returned from a heavenly plane, picks up a demonic hitchhiker on her way back, and unleashes it on the somehow still blissfully unaware town of Sunnydale. But don't worry, Buffy dealt with it. admirably.

So, I hope this helps! In no time at all, you will be a Telephone Master, and you will be able to make upwards of three calls a week, and you won't have to wear your protective headgear and biohazardous suit any more!

Congratuations, Cockwallader Merryweather Submersible Cholmondesley-Talyor Daddy-O Grooverider Johnson. You can now call yourself a woman.