What if he was a she? v2.0. Abe Lincoln edition.

ABRAHAM LINCOLN

Noted for:

Being one of the greatest Presidents of the United States of America (though he’s not as good as the one who wrote Peaches), leading the Union through the Civil War, passing the Emancipation Proclamation and head of the Ill-timed Theatre Visits Society.

What might have happened if he was born sans balls?

Lincoln was a staunch opponent of the expansion of slavery, and was a major factor in the North winning the civil war. He also diffused a war scare with the United Kingdom in 1861 and really popularised the top hat.

So what might have happened if he was born Abby? The prospect of Ol’ Abe’s being elected in 1860 can be regarded as a fairly significant factor for the start of the secession of the confederated states. So if Abe was born with a taste for soap operas, it can safely be assumed that she would not have stood as the Republican candidate in the 1860 elections and thus, the Southern state’s vaginas might have contained slightly less sand at the beginning of that decade.

Chances are that the country would still have slumped into war. The two likeliest men to have filled Lincoln’s shoes both held strong anti-slavery views. Rebellious rumblings would still have been stirring in the South – throughout the 1850s it was becoming increasingly obvious that a pro-slavery south and anti-slavery north could not peacefully co-inhabit. Throw in the other reasons civil war historians always harp on about so they can pretend that slavery isn’t the sole cause of the war but no one else remembers them, and you have a country that would still be on the road to punching itself in the crotch so hard the ache would take decades to leave.

So a Lincoln with tits wouldn’t have made any difference?

Of course it would. Lincoln narrowly halted a war with a harrumphing Great Britain in 1861 who would, almost certainly, have sided with the Confederated States. This would have given the confederates a huge boost – the were estimated to have almost half the manpower of the Union, but with Britain’s help, with both men and technology, the war could have been very different because Britain at this time was the pre-eminent nation in the world. It was not the crumpet eating, petticoat wearing land of poor dentistry it is today. Well, it was, but it also had millions of guns). Maybe a stalemate would have occurred, and the Union would have had to have recognised the Confederated States as a separate country or, even worse, the South could well have triumphed. Don’t forget, Lincoln was a great war president, and his leadership skills and his policies (especially decisions such as the selection of Ulysses S. Grant and other top generals) were fundamental in the Union winning. And if the Confederated States were victorious, then the whole political, social and economic landscape of America, and the world, would be markedly different.

Good Lord. So without him, the whole USA could well be the CSA?

Yep. And all those rich bastards who own summer houses in New England would be out in their pickups, wearing dungarees and shooting at road signs. Still, it wouldn’t have been all bad. We might not have had the Pussycat Dolls thrust upon us.