So, You’ve Bought Yourself A Telephone

Society’s moving on in the world, and there are new technological advances around every corner, most of which are baffling and exciting to the modern Gentleman. One such device is the newly patented Telephone. Created by some astoundingly clever types, (rumour has it a Scotsman was involved, but this has since proven to be laughably false) the Telephone allows the modern Gentleman to speak with other Gentlemen outside what can be considered a close proximity without having to leave the comfort of one’s own expensive yet tasteful Afhgan armchair.

No doubt upon announcing your desire to purchase the Telephone, you were bombarded with negativity by well-meaning friends and family. Don’t worry about that, it is all part and parcel of buying terrifyingly exciting new devices. It is believed there were even detractors when a prehistoric Gentleman decided that meat slowly roasted over an open fire was considerably tastier than when eaten raw, or when an early Victorian Gentleman suggested that not crapping in your drinking water might just be better for your health. I expect that when you told your peers that you wished to communicate with Gentlemen a London borough away, they suggested merely shouting louder instead of opting for the purchase of this new fangled piece of claptrap machinery. And your good Sir father no doubt informed you that back in his day, if he wished to converse with Gentlemen in another country, then they simply invaded it and made the Gentleman in question a colonial subject. Then they could tell him whatever the bloody hell they wanted and the Gentleman in question would have to accept it double quick.

Well, you should give yourself a round of applause for ignoring the warnings and going ahead with the purchase anyway. It was a noble and brave choice, and you ought to be proud of yourself. But now I expect you’re asking yourself “So how the bloody hell do I use this thing then?” Well, fear not, for your Handbook For The Discerning Gentleman will unravel the mysteries of the Telephone and deliver the information into your brain like your manservant delivers your slippers to your bedroom first thing in the morning.

What’s This Then?

Telephones, like all new inventions, are dastardly complex things. They operate via science, and as every modern Gentleman knows, science isn’t to be trifled with. Telephones allow a Gentleman such as yourself to communicate with other Gentlemen, sometimes over distances of miles. It’s a jolly clever device, and one that the manufacturers clearly stress is not suitable for use by women. It’s understandable to think that the fairer sex just would not be able to wrap their pretty little heads around the concept – indeed, in early tests, many a lady in London’s High Society fainted dead away when they realised the tinny voice in their ear was coming from a manor in Oxfordshire.

The manufacturers of the Telephone also wish to stress that the device isn’t to be owned or operated by poor people for fear they would sully it within moments, like they did with musical theatre, Gin or dysentery.

How The Bloody Hell Does It Work Then?

To operate your new Telephone, simply pick up the receiver (this is the loose wobbly part that bears a passing resemblance to a banana) and place one end to your ear. Via the medium of swivel, and remembering to keep one end pushed against your ear, manoeuvre the receiver until the other end is by your mouth. The part of the receiver by your ear should be emitting a low buzz. This is entirely natural. Now you must decide which Gentleman you wish to call. I suggest you call my good friend, Lord Oliver James Wenceslas-Grangethorpe III. I assure you, he won’t mind, and may even invite you over for a hand of whist after the Telephone call is completed. To Telephone Lord Wenceslas-Grangethorpe III, you must dial his number. This is achieved by mashing your face into the dial of numbers situated just beneath the area the receiver until recently resided. The amount of times you need to mash your face into the dial equates to the amount on letters in the name of the person you wish to call. So in our case, it’s three hundred and ninety-seven letters, so that’s three hundred and ninety-seven mashes. This may hurt a little, but as with all new technology, there are early discomforts. If you wish, you may place a small cushion over the dial, but this is viewed as bad Telephone etiquette.

When you finish face mashing, you should hear a ringing sound in the part of the receiver pressed against your ear (you may have dropped the receiver to facilitate your face mashing. If this is the case, pick it up and replace against the lobe). Don’t be alarmed by the ringing noise, it is meant to happen and simply means we enter the next stage of our exciting journey into Telecommunications!

What Happens Next?

The ringing may continue for an indeterminable amount of time, as it first has to traverse through a series of semi-cut wormholes which have been spliced through the medium of space matter, and will be scouring the edges of the chaos void that exists in the multiverse separating both you and the Gentleman you are Telephoning. There is no telling how long it may take the telephone call to make this journey, but whilst the journey is being made, you yourself, as the source of the call, will slip outside of time, so even though it may seem like the ringing has carried on for three or four months, it will, in reality, in our reality, have only been a few seconds and, naturally, as you slip back into our reality, memories of your adventures out of the time loop will quickly fade, leaving an uneasy feeling in the lower intestine, followed by a clenching of the buttocks. This feeling may well manifest into something more urgent, and you may need to relieve yourself at the next possible moment.

It is because of this reason that The Handbook For The Discerning Gentleman suggests you set up your new Telephone in close proximity to a Water Closet, if not actually within the closet, so as to allow easy access to the Pony Express.

The Final Step

After the telephone call has traversed the complex, clandestine shadow worlds which cling to our realities, and has fought its way back through a wormhole into our world, it will have arrived at the Telephone in the WC of the Gentleman to whom you wish to converse. That Gentleman’s phone will emit a high pitched ring which will inform the Gentleman that something has gone horribly wrong during the Telephone call’s epic journey through Space and Time and will likely explode at any given moment. The Gentleman whose phone is pealing out joyous rings will thusly have to dive out of his Water Closet to avoid the explosion fallout, and also to avoid contact with any extra-dimensional, demonic ‘hangers on’ the Telephone call may have inadvertently picked up in it’s journeys.

Though it is possible hitch-hiking transdimensional horrors have not latched onto the Telephone Call, a prudent Gentleman will always send his manservant into the Water Closet first, in case he needs to deal with the beast. If the butler perishes, it is up to your discretion if you offer the now manservantless Gentleman a new butler. Etiquette suggests you might, but if you do not, many members of London’s high society will view the Gentleman you attempted to Telephone in a harsher light, as he had not sufficiently trained his butler to deal with extra-dimensional demonic terrors.

And That’s It!

That is how a Telephone call is made! If you practice these methods, you will soon be highly accomplished to using a telephone and may be able to make upwards of three calls a week. Given time, you may not even need to don the protective headgear and biohazardous suit that comes free with all new Telephones purchased!